Best Movies Ever Made

These movies are like a throat punch to your pleasure center.

These movies are not in any particular order, consider it a list of all number ones. Just a warning, not to the readers, but to anyone who attempts to watch any of these movies. Please take your socks off, fold them nicely, and put them on the coffee table next to your popcorn. This will save you he hassle of trying to find them after they have been rocked off.

Ice Pirates

Now this is a movie! Instant aging chase scene. Space Herpies. Robert Ulrich, Ron Pearlman. Hot floating-drug disco. Robot bumbleing. Fear of mechanical on-screen castration! MGM, DVD A.S.A.P., OK? And no, that is not Patrick Swayze in Tu Wong Foo drag behind him, it's Anjelica Huston. Update the DVD is here and I OWN IT!

Empire Strikes Back!

The bad guys win! Why, you ask. Their WMDs walk on the faces of the competition. The name of this film should be: 'Eat laser fire Rebel Bitches' the Empire puts the smack down on the kingdom of hippy whiners. If you were on the side of the Rebel Alliance in this one, you deserve to be crushed under Lando's traitor boot-heel. Everyone got their just deserts. Chill out, Han, HAW-HAW-HAW! Notice how the next two entries are trillogys listed outright? That is because they were consistantly good. Not the case with the Star Wars trillogy. If you want a decent feature length fantasy full of puppetry, watch the 'Dark Crystal'. If you want to watch a ho-hum slow moving sci fi flick, watch 'The Black Hole'. either of these other movies pack more entertainment-per, than both the bookends of 'Empire'.

Indiana Jones

Steven Spielberg made an epic action/adventure movie better than anyone else and refused to lower the quality of the product throughout the sequels. The Indiana Jones movie did stop the action for one-liners, and back story just enough to keep us laughing. The action is in the red zone through most of the movies. Harrison Ford was at the top of his game through out. Fourth one coming soon, looking forward to it. As an aside though, archeology is usually applying a toothbrush to a rock, Not melting Nazis with God's Wrath.

Update: The fourth one was a disapointment.

Made

This movie has it all; Jon/Vaughn, Sean John, and Columbo in the back eating Bon-Bons. All of us have friends who are socially embarrassing, if not, you are that person and don't know it. This movie runs with that theme, and throws in some heart. "'SWINGERS' meets Sopranos"?! What a crappy tagline. Nephew please.

Rudy

If Legolas just takes for granted Samwise Gamgee is 2 feet shorter than him, why can't Vince Vaughn just accept Rudy being a foot shorter? Sean Astin gets no breaks. It is like Randy Newman has pull in Hollywood. 'Short people got no reason' my ass. There have been plenty of underdog movies, this is the best. This movie also has Jon Favreau, so it is another Jon/Vaughn movie. Charles S Dutton does a great job as well. Those with a discerning eye might recognize him as juror 9 from Ghosts of Mississippi (uncredited).

John Carpenter's The Thing

Hopefully this picture itself does not scare you, as it is just a picture. But this is not the Thing, this is what you look like after the Thing gets hold of you. This movie was so chilling, because it took place in Antarctica Ha Ha Ha, I jest, I jest. Seriously though, this movie was so chilling because of the claustrophobic set, the fact that any of the characters could explode into tentacle beasts at any moment, and Kurt Russel could explode at any time from coolness overload. and there was no escape except to slaughter all infected, and bathe them in flame.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Wow. Just wow. If you do not like this movie, you probably kick puppies, and love Hitler. Even if William J. Wonka Esq. was a trained actor, no one could be a better Willy Wonka than Gene Wilder. I hope that all children take away from this movie the message that if you are well behaved and honest, you will own the world, and if you are a pain in the glute, you will get the smack down of your life. Of course life doesn't follow those rules, but it would be better if it did. As a side note, they are remaking this movie, scheduled to start shooting next year with Johnny Depp as the main man.


This is my inner child crying at the thought of a remake.

Bio Zombie

Crazy-B and Woody Invincible are rude repulsive thieves. They show no respect to anyone. They are dumb, and deserve every bad thing life throws their way. On a shoestring budget, the writers and director did what hasn't been done in the last five years an any genre. They make you care about whither the characters live or die. Despite all their character flaws, you end up caring for these misfits. You would think that misspelled, gibberish subtitles would distract or ruin a movie. "But this is peanut." They make the movie even funnier. This movie is a gem. I get a tear of joy in my eye just writing this review.